Romance Yourself

If you do decide to stay home, then make it a special night. Don’t run the risk of listening to the radio. All those schmaltzy songs can make you want to stab someone. (As a precaution, you might want to put away any sharp objects; this is the kind of day that can make you snap). Create a playlist of upbeat women-taking-on-the-world songs like Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive. I’ve put a list of suggested songs below if you need some inspiration.

Buy yourself a present (at least you know you won’t have to exchange it). Make yourself a decadent, delicious, chocolately cocktail (see my V-Day Vixen drink below). Console yourself with the thought that at least chocolate takes its time getting to your thighs and is a lot of fun on the way down. Then run yourself a long, hot bubble bath.

Pick your toenails and indulge in some of your worst habits (because you can). In fact, indulge in every activity that used to annoy your ex or exes to celebrate your freedom. Then order something delicious rather than any old takeout. Preferably, something you like that your ex hated. For instance, if he was a vegetarian then order something super bacony and carnivorous. If there is even a slim chance you might drunk dial later, make sure you either delete your ex’s numbers from your phone or buy an app that will stop you drunk dialing. One good anti-dialing app is Drunk Dial No.

Then watch an uplifting movie – stay away from romances or tearjerkers. A funny sitcom might also be medicinal. Some ideal films would be Muriel’s Wedding (Don’t let the title fool you. This is single girl prevails type of film), Thelma and Louise, Erin Brockovich or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The other option is to devour an entire television series and a vat of popcorn in one sitting, like Absolutely Fabulous. You would have to not have a pulse to refrain from laughing at this. As Oscar Wilde famously said: “To love oneself is the start of a lifelong romance.”

Step Out With Other Singles

If you do decide to put on your glad rags, there are plenty of options: Just Google “Anti-Valentines Day Parties” to find an event in your city. Some events include an Anti-Valentines Day Mixer at Off the Wagon in New York on MacDougal Street. Sasa’s Lounge on the Upper West is also hosting a What’s Love Got to Do With It Valentine’s and DJ NessDigi will be staying away from the schmaltzy spins. You can also giggle your way through it and go and see My Funny Valentine at the Broadway Comedy Club. If you want a “just add vodka” instant date, check out the charity Speed Dating event at Central Bar or find another speed dating venue.

To be honest, everybody who is hooked up is going to be at a restaurant, skinny-dipping in their significant others eyes and pretending to be interested in what he or she says. This means that it is a field day out there for singles. You can pretty much guarantee that the guy you are talking to isn’t hiding a wedding ring or pretending that he hasn’t got a girlfriend. You also don’t have to hang out with any couples or smug marrieds.

Host a Girly Night

You don’t need to be getting married to have a bachelorette party. Invite the Chardonnay Support Group over to drink wine spritzers or frilly cocktails and eat cupcakes. It’s free therapy. You can spend the night exorcising your exes and hatching plans to stop sleeping your way to the bottom and restart your romantic life. No one climbs Man Everest solo. We all need a cheer squad of sisters to encourage us through the many trials and tribulations on the way to meeting Mr. Right Enough.

You can even turn this into a Pin-Up Party where you all take turns doing your makeup, striking boudoir poses and taking sexy photos. Put them on Facebook so your ex is sure to see you at your siren best. There are plenty of tutorials on YouTube about how to do siren-style makeup. You can also get your friends to help you go through your wardrobe and get rid of the old frumpy you and find your inner femme fatale. There is nothing like a Valentine’s Day makeover.

The best revenge is having a great life. Being single is far better than being part of a miserable couple. Celebrate your single status and appreciate the great things about being free and flirty. If you really want to exorcise the ex, send him some dead roses anonymously from DeadRoses.com to celebrate Anti Valentine’s. But most of all, make Valentine’s Day about moving on and kickstarting your romantic life. If all else fails adopt a puppy.

Valentine’s Day Vixen

• 1 oz vodka
• 1 ½ oz bailey’s Irish cream
  
• ½ oz kahlua coffee liqueur

Blend all the ingredients together with ice. Strain into a wine glass filled with crushed ice.

Suggested Anti-Valentine’s Day Soundtracks

• I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
• Superwoman – Alicia Keys
• Bitch – Meredith Brooks
• Beautiful – Christina Aguilera
• Run the World (Girls) – Beyonce
• I Am Woman – Jordin Sparks
• Stronger – Kelly Clarkson
• I Do Not Hook Up – Kelly Clarkson
• Hand in My Pocket – Alanis Morissette

Breakup Prescription:

Sing This Song Every Morning in the Shower (even if the neighbor’s start a petition) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuRgQlfpD0U and drink this precocious potion.

• 2 oz rum
• ½ oz lime juice
• ¼ -½ Oz Cointreau

Pour the rum, lime juice and Cointreau into a Cocktail Shaker with ice cubes. Shake well. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Chin chin.

• © 1 oz Vodka
• © 2 oz Prosecco or other sparkling dry white wine
• © 2 oz Pineapple Juice

Combine, Vodka, Prosecco, and Pineapple Juice in a highball or Collins glass filled with ice. Turn the lights down to hide the mess and drink up.

• 2 oz Chocolate vodka
• ½ oz Frangelico
• 1 oz Tia Maria
• 1 tsp Cocoa powder
• 2 tsp Sugar
• Dark Chocolate shavings

Chill your glass in the freezer. Mix the sugar and cocoa powder together. Dip the top of the glass in water and then in the cocoa mix so it rims the glass. Pour the vodka, Tia Maria and Frangelico into a martini glass filled with ice and shake until well blended. Pour into your chilled glass, sprinkle with chocolate shavings, serve and to hell with the calories! Straw optional.

The other option is to play this podcast of compliments recorded by my GBF, Luis, and put them on your ringtone to remind you of how fabulous you are. Feel free to give us some suggestions for other compliments Luis can record – the man is a walking thesaurus when it comes to flattery. sten while drinking this Queen Elizabeth cocktail and you will feel like a royalty. If you see fit rename this regal drink after yourself.

Compliments for a Queen

• 1 1/2 oz Vermouth
• 3/4 ounce Benedictine
• 3/4 ounce lime juice

Pour into a cocktail shaker with ice, then strain into a chilled cocktail glass.

The first date from hell

Let’s face it: it’s Halloween every evening on online dating. Every sassy single gal has had her share of cringe-worthy rendezvous. There are the guys that post a picture worthy of a J Crew catalogue and when you meet them you find out the image was taken 10 years and 100 pounds ago, not to mention they’ve contracted alopecia since. (I now ask potential dates to take a picture of themselves holding today’s newspaper or the latest ipod).

There are also the guys that are all over you like a bad case of dermatitis before you’ve even exchanged hellos. The search for a genuine guy can be fraught with peril and you may have to kiss a lot of frauds first. Here are some telltale signs that he has learned his mating techniques from watching Tarzan movies and you should make a hasty exit:

• He sends you a photo of his member or suggests you send some sexy photos before he’s even met you. The only thing on this guy’s romantic menu is wiener.
• He calls you late and asks you to meet him at his local bar, conveniently near his place. This guy’s as cheap as a bowl of beer nuts and is only after booty.
• He asks you over to watch EPSN and eat pizza for a first date. This guy has the romantic skills of Homer Simpson.
• He makes zero effort in getting dressed. If he doesn’t care if he looks like a walking fashion contraceptive, then it’s hardly likely he will care if he whets your appetite in other areas.
• It’s harder to get a compliment out of him then it is to get a refund check from the IRS. A little praise is Champagne for the feminine soul and you don’t want someone who is stingy with it.

Women may be able to fake orgasms but men can fake whole conversations

Let’s face it, who hasn’t earned the occasional Oscar in the bedroom? Sometimes, we just aren’t feeling it. Maybe it was a long day, maybe your new man is hung like a field mouse, or maybe he thinks foreplay is a football term. Perhaps, you just would rather be watching Mad Men.

We women are ruled by the tides and the moon and sometimes we just aren’t in the mood but for whatever reason (he just made dinner, presented us with a diamond ring, insert whatever other fornication worthy action here…), and you feel like you really need to show him some if-not-hot, at least tepid, loving. Whoever came up with the phrase “fake it, till you make it” must have been female.

Help in a glass is here for those less-than-horny occasions. The Fake Orgasm cocktail is bedroom Gatorade. It will fuel even the tiniest spark and make it roar. He won’t even know that you are reprising the role of Meg Ryan in Harry Met Sally or imagining that you are actually in bed with a giant chocolate éclair to help you simulate that level of ecstasy. Just drink this cocktail prior to bed, keep your eyes closed and you will be sure to clinch an Academy Award in the amorous arts.

• 1 oz vodka
• 1 ½ oz bailey’s Irish cream
• ½ oz kahlua coffee liqueur

Blend all the ingredients together with ice. Strain into a wine glass filled with crushed ice.

Whip him into a frenzy with these creamy dessert ideas

If you want to be a seductress at the stovetop your culinary efforts should be as stress-free as possible. In my case, it’s about cooking to love, not loving to cook, which means I make the smallest effort to get the best return on my sugary-laden investment and get my squeeze salivating. A sexy dessert shouldn’t involve more than a quick pat with a makeup blotter when it comes to exertion.

I tell my guy “I’m Ginger, not Maryanne.” Meaning, my favorite thing to make for dinner is a reservation. Having said that, I do occasionally get my lazy ass in the kitchen. And, when I do, my man gets as excited as a hungry Cocker Spaniel eyeing a fresh steak. Seriously, my boyfriend would get excited about me opening a jar of Raguletto pasta sauce. And there is nothing I like more than an appreciative man.

This is why it’s never a good idea to cook for a new squeeze too soon. In my mind, making a meal is more intimate than sex: and you don’t just give that sort of effort away. Despite all the baloney about “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, it’s simply not a good strategy to try and cook your way to four carats: You will just end up with calluses. Pretty soon, the only thing your guy will be romancing is the remote control and he won’t know your clitoris from a casserole.

It’s not the Madonna/Whore syndrome – it’s the Housefrau/Hornbag syndrome.

My own rule of thumb is to be as slatternly in the kitchen as I am elsewhere. When you think he deserves a delicious dessert (namely you), I suggest serving this Berry Delicious dessert to him as an appetizer. It’s so easy; it’s sinful. And, if you can’t be bothered cooking at all, then just put out a bowl of strawberries with the green bits cut off, spray yourself into a whipped cream bikini and meet him at the door wearing a big smile. This works a treat every time. Now that’s what I call a recipe with ROI.

Berry Delicious

• Serves 2
• 3 oz frozen raspberries
• 6 0z Greek-style yoghurt
• 2 meringues, roughly crumbled
• 1 tbsp lemon curd
• Zest of ½ lemon
• Fresh raspberries, optional
• Note: use strawberries or any other type of berry if raspberries aren’t in season

Place the raspberries and yoghurt in a blender, and whizz for a few seconds to form an instant soft-set ice cream. Serve the ice cream immediately with the crumbled meringue, a little lemon curd, the grated lemon zest, and the fresh raspberries, if available. Eat it slowly, licking your lips and look at him as if he’s the best part of the dessert. Pretty soon, you will be berried in one another.

• 2 lemons
• 1tsp castor (superfine) sugar
• 2 bottles of white wine
• 2 bottles of sparkling wine
• A shot of orange liqueur (optional)

Thinly slice the lemons and place in a large pitcher. Sprinkle the sugar over the lemons, then top with the two bottles of wine. Leave in a cool place for 12 hours to let flavors mingle. When you are ready to party, add plenty of ice cubs, crack open the bubbly and add to the drink. If you want to add extra “kick” just add a shot of orange liqueur. Cheers!

A signature cocktail will make yours an affair to remember

I love the idea of bringing back Cocktail Hour – introducing a little Hollywood into our lounge-rooms and our love affairs. We can all be Ginger Rogers and Carey Grant when the lights go down. So set the dimmers on low and designate an hour or so for a dose of glamour in a glass once a week. Put on the mood music and dress up. Pretend you are a Hollywood siren in your favorite threads or op shop finds and put on some retina-rupturing red lipstick.

Invite your squeeze or potential new love interest over to your lair and serve them your own patent-pending potion or take inspiration from Hollywood, like this classic cocktail from Casablanca. It’s the drink Humphrey Bogart and Ingmar Bergman sip as Bogart says the immortal words: “Here’s looking at you, kid.” This could end up being the signature sip for your romance. It’s so good: it will make you want to be bad.

• 1 sugar cube
• 2-3 dashes Angostura bitters
• Champagne
• 1 oz brandy
• Orange slice for garnish
• Maraschino cerry for garnish

Place the sugar cube in the bottom of a Champagne flute. Use the dashes of Angostura bitters to saturate the sugar cube. Add the brandy.Fill with Champagne. Garnish with the orange slice and cherry. Make sure you add the Champagne last, right before serving for the best results. If you are on a budget, then feel free to substitute Prosecco.